In the last year or two, the most common question I am asked is about talking with our kids about gender fluidity and being transgender. This question comes from churches, schools, parenting groups, and individual parents on my website’s contact form. It’s clear we know we should talk about it, and it’s clear we don’t quite know how.

It’s a topic we can’t ignore, and can’t run away from…and we shouldn’t. But, it’s often awkward and uncomfortable…and we’re all trying to be really cautious and thoughtful about how it’s approached. The reality is that it’s hard enough to talk about sex, puberty, dating — and those are things we all know about and we have all experienced. But many of us haven’t experienced transgenderism and I’m guessing few, if any, of us ever discussed this with our parents when we were kids. When we add religious and cultural influences on this topic, it can make many of us even more overwhelmed and nervous to talk with our kids.

I could do a whole series on how to talk with our kids about gender-related topics, but in this newsletter I’m just going to highlight a few simple ideas and things for you to think about now. These are just some basic starting points to consider as we open our communication to this topic with our kids.

This is often easier for kids to process than adults

The thing is, many kids know about these topics already because they’re part of the world. But, for most of us adults, these things weren’t a part of our world as kids (and certainly weren’t discussed in schools or churches). That all contributes to us feeling ill-equipped to talk about it; but I want to remind you that we don’t need to be scared to talk about this topic, because our kids usually aren’t scared to talk about it. We, as adults, are the ones nervous or uncomfortable…and we want to make sure we don’t put that on our kids.

So, remember that our kids have grown up already knowing this exists; even if you don’t talk about it with them, most of them have heard the term 'transgender' – and if they haven’t, the idea wouldn’t be as foreign to them as it is to some of us (or seems to us) because they don’t have the cultural background and experience shaping their beliefs. In a sense, this already seems more normal for many of them. Many of us grew up with no awareness of this topic, or a background belief telling us it’s weird, different, or wrong. But the world talks about this topic differently now, and that works to our advantage as parents trying to talk about it with our kids.

Spend time thinking about your values and beliefs

Remember my February 2021 newsletter on values? Go ahead and refresh your memory if needed, because determining your values around gender and sexuality is important. Consider this: what is your primary goal from these conversations with your kids? Is it for your kids to know being transgender is totally okay? Or is the goal for them to just know the facts so they are equipped to process this topic with you as it comes up in the world, and as they get older? Or is the goal to just tell them all people are unique and different and remind them to be kind to all people? Determining your values, and your goal in these conversations, will help you shape your message and clarify your intentions with your kids.

Start with the basics

As parents, we should make sure we understand the proper terminology and topics so we feel more equipped when these conversations come up. We want to make sure that we feel confident engaging with our kids, or answering their basic questions, or directing them to the right resource…but if we’re nervous that we don’t really know anything about this topic, we just need to do some basic research. I suggest starting with a basic vocab lesson.

Sex: sex is assigned at birth, not gender (gender is a word our culture made up to discuss arbitrary boy and girl things)
Gender identity: how someone feels inside, in their head (like a boy or a girl or both or even none)
Gender expression: how people express their gender (through their actions, dress and demeanor)
Transgender: You may have the genitals of a male, and be called a boy, but not feel like a boy on the inside. You may have the genitals of a female, and be called a girl, but not feel like a girl on the inside. We call this transgender.
- A transgirl is when you may biologically born a male but identify as a girl (transitioning to a girl). A transboy is when you may biologically born a female but identify as a boy (transitioning to a boy).
- Cisgender is when you’re born in the body you believe you are.

Do your research

After the vocab lesson, I suggest doing some research to understand the statistics about how many people this affects, at what age many people start to identify as trans/question their gender, and the statistics about how LGBTQIA kids are treated in schools (bullied, mental/behavioral health, etc) to help understand the perspective of your kids and their generation. This last part, about researching how LGBTQIA kids are treated in schools, is really important. Many transgender kids report feeling unsafe at school, and the majority have heard negative comments from adults in school.

When I started doing research on this, I was surprised at how many kids experience anti-LGBT policies at school. For example, some schools don’t allow students to discuss or write about LGBTQIA topics, some kids report harassment and receive no support, some are disciplined for their PDA. Imagine a child who can’t write about who they are, nobody uses their preferred pronouns, they are sexually harassed, the school policies themselves don’t allow them to be who they are, they can’t hold hands with their boyfriend/girlfriend. Even if your child isn’t transgender, they see this stuff! This topic impacts our kids because they see this happening, they hear it, they’re living it. And the more we immerse ourselves in this research, the more we can understand what our kids see, hear, and experience in their daily lives.

It's not about you

To some extent, it doesn’t matter how you feel about these words or topics, or what you believe about being transgender; it’s just important that you understand it so you are giving your kids real and factual information, so they can trust you and feel more comfortable asking you the questions they have about this topic. The vocab lesson I gave you included the real words to describe real things that are real experiences for some real people…and we can’t deny that.

You’re educating yourself, and your kids, on terminology and the topics so that your kids don’t go searching for this information somewhere else (like the internet, their friends, etc). They have these questions, and they want answers…do we want them to get those answers from us or somewhere else?

Consider your child’s development

Here’s some ideas for how to navigate these topics at different age levels:

Early elementary: Answer their questions in a basic way, and do not shy away from using the proper terminology with them. It’s not a problem using the real words with this age group. Encourage them to ask you questions.
Late elementary: Answer their questions in more details, and give very factual and straight-forward definitions; by about 4th grade they are hearing these terms and starting to be curious about them (not necessarily curious about their own experiences, but trying to understand the world around them and curious if they see a transgender person or hear the words).
Middle school/junior high: At this age we can/should initiate some conversations; make sure kids know the definition of gender and orientations, educate them on the language and facts that you’ve researched, and encourage them to talk with you about your family values. Really take the opportunity to learn from your kids and find out what they know; learn from them, sit with them, give them a chance to share examples and stories. You might be surprised what they share with you. It’s good for them, developmentally, to talk about these things and start to process their own understanding and feelings about it. “What do you think?” is a simple question, but so powerful. Find out what they mean when they use those terms, or what they’ve heard. It will help you gauge how deep you need to go with the conversation.

It’s okay to not know everything!

It’s okay to not know the answer, or not know how to address this topic. And it’s okay to tell your kids that! This is new territory for many of us, and we want to do our best job talking about it because we care about our kids so much...so it’s okay to tell them that we are still learning.

Final Thought

This newsletter has focused on talking with your kids about this topic, but I haven’t yet addressed how to listen and talk with your child if they are talking about their own gender. As with all the topics I write and speak about, communication is key. If your child is telling you they are thinking about their own gender, they are asking you questions about how you know your gender, or if they are telling you they are a different gender, listen. Listen to them, give them time and space to share how they feel. You can ask gentle and encouraging questions, but listen to them. Believe them.

The majority of transgender adults (80%) knew they were “different" before leaving elementary school. Less than 4% of transgender kids had this realization after age 18. The average age of trans-spectrum self-realization is 7.9, but the average age of learning the words to communicate their feelings is 15.5…so if they are talking, listen. Consider these three words: consistent, insistent, and persistent. This will help you in helping your child think about, and talk about, their own gender.

Consistent: They don’t go back and forth about their gender — they clearly identify with one particular gender identity.
Insistent: They feel very strongly about their identity, and get upset when they’re told that they’re not the gender they say they are.
Persistent: How they identity themselves stays the same over time.

Communicate. Listen. Trust your child.

Dr. Heidi Croatt is a professor and researcher who lives in the Twin Cities with her husband and their two young kids. She regularly speaks to parenting groups with her program, Beyond Birds and Bees: Communicating Your Values to Raise Sexually Healthy Kids.

Talking Transgender