A United Front

Q U E S T I O N

How do I get my husband on board with all this “healthy sex talk” stuff?

— Meg

A N S W E R

The majority of groups I speak to are moms, and this is one of the most common questions they ask me – “How do I get my husband on board, especially now that I am committed to raising sexually healthy kids?”
My response will depend on what we want them to get on board with… do we want them to get on board with using proper names and labels for body parts? Do we want them to get on board with talking more openly and regularly about our bodies? Do we want them to get on board with talking to our children about puberty or sexual behavior?

Let my try answering your question by breaking this down into two categories and offering some important ideas to consider for both: A) getting on board with talking to our young kids and B) getting on board talking with our older kids.

A. How do we get our husbands on board to use proper names and labels with our young kids?

It’s hard for us to break habits, and most of us have a habit of calling our body parts by some euphemism or with slang. Men, in particular, live in a world that most often refers to their penis and testicles as their dick and balls. And we’ve all sort of fallen in line with this… Right? I mean you’re probably used to hearing men talk about their balls or getting hit in the “nuts” – those terms have become very common. Interestingly, there aren’t as many culturally appropriate terms for female body parts. In fact, the two common ones that come to mind are actually used as insults most of the time (and I don't even want to repeat them here because they're so bad)! So considering this, it’s no wonder why men – but really all of us – have a hard time using proper names and labels to talk about our bodies, especially when it comes to female bodies. We don’t live in a world that regularly uses the word penis or vagina, and we use words like testicles and vulva less often. Simply talking to our husbands about this fact is helpful.

It’s also good to remind our husbands that by using proper names and labels with our young children, we are maximizing their “geographer” brain, which ultimately ends up making things easier for us in the long run. Making life easier is a good persuasive strategy, right? It might be awkward to use the word penis with your two-year-old, but it’s a lot less awkward than trying to talk to your ten-year-old about his penis. The more we can get used to using these terms with our kids when they are little, the easier it will be to talk about their issues when they are older. Imagine talking to your daughter about her period if she’s never heard you use the word vagina! Or imagine explaining a wet dream to your son without ever having used the word penis in front of him! These are just some simple reminders that can help get our husbands on board.

Our young “geographer” kids love to name and label things. And when we remind our husbands about this, or simply point out all of the times our kids want us to name and label things… “Dad what’s that? What’s this? What’s that?” or when our kids point and name everything they do know the label for … “Car. Shoe. Mama. Dada. Puppy. Book. Duck.” it shows them that our kids’ brains are really interested in soaking in that kind of information. And so let’s make the most of it by using the proper names and labels for their body parts!

B. How do we get our husbands on board with the idea of creating a culture of conversation about sex and sexuality — and raising sexually healthy kids and teenagers — especially with our daughters?

We have so much research that talks about the important role dads play in their daughter’s lives. But we also have a lot of research that tells us that this father-daughter relationship really changes as our girls get older. When our daughter starts going through puberty, something weird happens… our husbands pull away from them and give them more space. Now, most likely our husbands are trying to be respectful. A lot of dads report not wanting to accidentally brush up against their daughters’ body, or they don’t want to rub her shoulders and accidentally touch her bra strap which then ultimately might make their daughter feel embarrassed… so a lot of dads just pull away.

“Our daughters already feel gross during puberty – having their dad give more distance and not be as physically affectionate only makes it worse. Our daughters start thinking ‘What’s wrong with me? Even my dad thinks I’m gross.’”

But to a young girl, who feels awkward and insecure, and does not fully understand what’s happening in her body, and likely feels that some of her friends are pulling away from her or that no one is attracted to her… realizing that the dad she was once very close to is pulling away can be heartbreaking. Our daughters already feel gross during puberty – having their dad give more distance and not be as physically affectionate only makes it worse. Our daughters start thinking “What’s wrong with me? Even my dad thinks I’m gross.” And while dads might think they’re just temporarily giving them space, and they might intend on being close with their daughters again, that often does not happen. When we create that physical space, and get used to it, remember that our daughters are also emerging in their independence and will stop looking to their dads for that kind of affection. So let’s not pull away! Tell your husband how important it is that he stays close to your daughter. Remind him that there are ways to be close and physically affectionate with our daughters, while still respecting their space and not creating awkward moments. Talk about some of those ideas, encourage them to create a special handshake, hold hands, rub the upper middle of her back, give high-fives… these are ways they can still be physically affectionate with your children, while still respecting their space, and their changing bodies.

We also want to make sure dads are verbally affectionate. Remind your husband to validate or compliment your daughter on her schoolwork, her basketball game, dance practice, helpfulness around the house, thoughtfulness of others, maturity, independence… We just want our husbands to find ways to stay close and connected with our daughters, and a big part of that is them finding ways to be present with them.

I'm emphasizing daughters because we have so much research that identifies the shift in father-daughter relationships, and the lack of communication about these topics between fathers and daughters; but, all of this can be applied to our boys, too! These are important ways our husbands can play a role in raising sexually healthy kids.

Final thought

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Just like us, our husbands love our kids and want to see them grow up to be happy and healthy. And just like us, our husbands worry about their role as a parent and if they’re doing it right or not… I think sometimes we don’t think our husbands are “on board” when really they are just embarrassed or nervous about what they’re doing and if they are doing it right. They might be insecure because they think you’re doing a better job at it. Let’s help our husbands find their own ways to have these kinds of conversations with our kids. Let’s help our husbands find their own ways to be close and connected with our kids. Let’s help our husbands see the amazing things they are already doing and encourage them to keep doing that as our kids get older.

So maybe it’s not really about getting them “on board” but it’s about seeing the ways they are already on board and acknowledging that. Of course, I do want all parents on board with raising sexually healthy kids, and creating a culture of conversation to do so. In talking with our husbands about what research is out there, and brainstorming ways to implement some of these things, that might just do the trick.