A risk worth the reward
Q U E S T I O N
“How do I make sure my children don’t tell all their friends about the conversations we have about sex? I want them to be informed, but I don’t want them to tell everybody else.”
— Anne
A N S W E R
Ah yes, this thought has crossed all of our minds, hasn’t it? We want our kids to ask us questions and we want to answer them honestly and accurately; but we don’t want them running off and telling all of their friends or telling their teachers all of the new info they’ve learned. I think this is a legitimate worry for some of us, but for others of us I think it’s just one of the excuses we make to avoid sharing difficult information with our kids.
Hear me out – one of the most important things we can do as parents is help our kids understand that we will always be there to answer their questions, truthfully and accurately. One goal in raising sexually healthy kids is to encourage them to come to us with anything, and trust that we will talk about it with them, no matter how hard or how awkward the topic. So if we are doing that (answering our kids’ questions with confidence and accuracy) they are likely to know things and learn things that some of their peers do not. Is this a problem? Not at all. In fact, this is exactly what we want! We want them to hear this information from us and not their friends.
So how do we make sure that our kids aren’t the ones telling their friends about it? We simply remind our kids that in our family we talk about these things, not every family does, and we want to let other parents be the ones to have the conversations with their kids. It would sound a little like this:
“I am so glad that you asked me what that word meant, and I’m so happy that we can talk about it together. I always want you to come to me when you have questions like this, and I will always tell you the truth. But remember, not every family talks about things the way we do. You are so smart, and we have such a special relationship, so I know you are ready to talk about these issues with me. But some of your friends’ parents might not be ready to do that, or might not think your friends are ready to talk about it with them. And we want your friends to be able to learn about this stuff from their parents, the same way you got to learn about it from me. So, I know you might be tempted to share this information with some of your friends, but it’s really important that you let their parents talk to them about it. And if you want to keep talking about it, or you have more questions, just come back and talk more with me. I’d be happy to talk about this again!”
In that simple script, we did a lot of things! We reminded our kids that we will always talk with them about this stuff, we praised them for coming to us first, we encouraged future communication, we reminded them that we will always tell them the truth, we complimented them for being smart and mature, but we also specifically asked them not to discuss that information with others.
One thing I like to do, especially with younger kids, is use one of their specific friends as an example. So I might say “I know you love to tell Emma things, and I love that you have such a special friendship with her. But we really want to make sure that Emma gets to talk about this stuff with her mom and dad, the same way you got to talk about it with me. So you don’t need to go and tell Emma about the conversation we just had…if you want to talk about it more just come back and ask me. We can talk about it any time you want! It’s just important that we let Emma talk about this stuff with her parents.”
Using a specific friend as an example makes it more concrete for younger children. It helps them visualize more specifically what they should or should not be doing. In this case, my child would have a clear understanding that she should not be talking to Emma about this topic. My hope is that she would understand she shouldn’t talk to any friend about it, but I want her to understand what my request means so I want to be as specific as possible.
“Okay Heidi, but that didn’t work. My daughter went and told Emma everything. And now I’m mortified and embarrassed.”
Yes, even if we do our best and ask our kids not to share this information with their friends, it still might happen. But here’s the thing – there are worse things that could happen! If you told your child truthful and accurate information, and they repeated that information to their friends, while their parents might not have been ready to have that conversation with them, they at least heard the truth! The other parents might feel upset that they now have to communicate about some of these topics, but at least their child is starting off with the truth. The other parents wouldn’t have to do damage control, but they would have to start communicating more. I would much rather your child tell another child something truthful about their bodies or about sex, than someone else’s child telling your child some ridiculous made-up version that you have to try and correct. Right?
Final thought
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Our worry or fear of embarrassment about our kids telling other kids what we’ve talked about should not prevent us from continuing to have age-appropriate and truthful conversations with our child. When we build a culture of conversation in our home, our children will start to understand that the communication is unique to our family, and they should not be sharing it with everyone else. But even if they do, you can be confident that what your child knows is the truth, and what they told the other child was accurate. The other parent might be upset initially, but I promise they will get over it. They may even be thankful.