Beyond Thanksgiving
Tips for handling the holiday season with family + a note of gratitude
I love the holidays! I’ve had my Christmas tree up for two weeks, my “fresh balsam” candle is lit, and I always have Christmas music playing. And even with all that Christmas spirit, Thanksgiving is one of my favorite days!
As much as we might love the holiday season, it's also an incredibly emotional and stressful time of year. And it's not always just the normal stress of shopping, activities, or traveling. For a lot of us, the holidays are stressful because of all of the things that come with the extra family time. We deal with the emotions and memories of people who can’t celebrate with us, we deal with the pressure to live up to other people’s expectations, and sometimes we have to spend time with people we wouldn’t necessarily choose to spend time with.
As you are preparing for the joy and stress of the holiday season, I want to take some time and remind you that it can be emotional and stressful for your children, too. First of all, our children are really good at picking up on our emotions and stress – they feed off of our energy and anxiety. In addition, the holidays are also a time when our kids have to talk to people they don’t see very often, and answer questions they don’t necessarily want to answer. So, on this Thanksgiving day, I want to offer some helpful tips for how to support our kids around the holidays.
1. They don’t need to hug everybody.
Our kids are often asked to hug people hello or goodbye, or give hugs as a thank you for receiving a present. The intention is always good – it is a way to show love and gratitude! But some of our kids are not very comfortable with that, and we tend to push them into doing it anyway. Remember to let your kids have a say in how they choose to show love and gratitude. If they don’t want to hug Aunt Patricia goodbye, encourage them to use their words or come up with a cool handshake! If they don’t want to give their cousin a hug as part of saying “thank you,” help them find the words to express their gratitude and joy. As parents, we have the chance (and responsibility) to remind our kids that they get a say in how their bodies are used. So if they don’t want to hug someone, they don’t need to! They can still be polite and respectful, and they can still show love and gratitude, we just need to help them learn other ways to do that.
2. Little kids don’t need to be asked if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend.
Does Uncle Jim have a history of asking all of the kids if they have boyfriends or girlfriends? Do you notice family members coming up to your littles and asking if they have a crush on anyone? Again, I know the intent is innocent; But your kindergartner does not need to feel like the most important thing in her life is whether or not she has a cute little boyfriend. Your preschooler does not need to even know that a girlfriend is something he should think about at his age. When Uncle Jim asks your 4-year-old if he has any girlfriends at school, feel free to jump in and say “Uncle Jim, Ethan has been taking these Ninja Warrior classes and it is so cool. Why don’t you ask him about that?” Or when Uncle Jim asks your daughter about how many boyfriends she has, step in and say “Emma is really lucky to have a lot of friends, we’re so proud of what a good friend she is to others.” Be on the lookout for moments when you can intervene and remind people that there are plenty of other conversations our young kids are capable of having, and plenty of other important things in their life. You can set the example for your family!
3. Older kids who do have a boyfriend or girlfriend want to be taken seriously.
If you think being adult at family gatherings can be overwhelming and emotional, just remember what it was like to be a teenager at those events! Maybe you had a lot of cousins that you got to spend time with, so it was filled with fun. But chances are you also dreaded some of those events because people were asking about your love life. And if you tried to tell them you had a boyfriend or girlfriend, or if you brought a boyfriend or girlfriend to those events, you had to deal with the embarrassing, and often-condescending comments. You probably got the impression that people did not take your romantic relationships seriously, and that they thought it was a silly and immature relationship. Or if you had recently broken up with a partner, or if you had never been in a romantic relationship, you might have received awkward questions about why you can’t find a boyfriend or how you are too good for some of these people and they don’t know what they’re missing. And often, there is some gender stereotype in there as well, about boys being boys, or about girls looking for something different in a relationship anyway. Do you remember how that felt? Do you remember feeling like you were not taken seriously and you felt like your feelings were not important?
If you overhear someone talking to your preteen or teenager in this way, say something! In the moment, you can share the reasons why you like your son’s girlfriend. (Even if you don’t really know her or you don’t really like her that much, saying something nice about her will go a long way in your son's eyes!) And if you don’t get a chance to say something in the moment, make sure you follow-up with your child later. Ask your child what they like so much about their boyfriend or girlfriend, and then truly listen to their response. Go out of your way to refer to the person as a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" or call it "dating" – this will offset the number of people who insist on calling the person "a friend." Or if they recently broke up with someone, ask your child how they are doing since the break-up when you get home, giving them time to see that you take their relationship and emotions seriously. If they aren’t in romantic relationships yet, let them know you heard some of the awkward comments and questions at the family gathering and you want to make sure your child knows that you see there is more in her life than just whether or not she has a boyfriend. And then follow-up and ask her about some of the other things she’s been doing lately. You have a great opportunity to help your child get through these holidays feeling like they are an important part of the family, whose lives are real and important.
4. Our children’s lives are very real to them, and their feelings are legitimate.
Related to the previous points, just remember that kids have real feelings, too. They might be nervous about seeing family members they don’t see very often, they might be uncomfortable with the questions they are asked, they might not like the pressure to hug people that are basically strangers to them, or they might be embarrassed to talk about their adolescent experiences. We all want kids who are polite and make a good impression with our extended families. But that only matters for a couple hours when we’re all together, right? We also want kids who trust us and feel safe with us. We want kids to feel respected and valued. We want kids who see the worth in their own lives as well as in the world they are in. And that lasts a lifetime. So try to think about how your child feels this holiday season, pay attention to what the experiences are like for them, and trust that you have a great opportunity to make this a better holiday for them, which will make it a better holiday for you!
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Final thought
Remember to be an advocate for your child this holiday season. You’ve been doing so much work to raise sexually healthy kids, and that doesn’t have to stop during the holidays. Keep working on building that culture of conversation. Remember the importance of helping your kids feel comfortable coming to you with questions and concerns. Pay extra close attention to how other people are treating them. I know you are stressed and overwhelmed, too, but remember to use this season as an opportunity to build trust and intimacy with your kids. They need you!
NOTE OF GRATITUDE
Thank you for being a part of the Beyond Birds and Bees community! It’s been an exciting year – I’ve done more speaking events than ever, I was featured in Minnesota Parent magazine, I had an amazing podcast with Marjorie and Elizabeth at Best to the Nest (episode 80), and I have a couple more publications and podcasts coming up! I’m so excited to be growing this part of my career, so thank you for your support! I would really appreciate it if you shared my newsletter with your friends and family and encouraged them to subscribe. I’d also enjoy talking with you if you’re interested in hosting your own speaking event with friends or if you know of a church, school, community organization, or parenting group that might be interested in having me come as a speaker. I love getting the chance to share this amazing and important content with you, so thank you for helping me do that!