It's never too late to get started
Q U E S T I O N
How can I catch up? I keep reading your ideas for talking to our kids about this stuff, but I feel so far behind! I have young kids and I haven’t told them anything. I think they know the proper labels for their body, but I feel like I’m doing it all wrong. — Shannon
A N S W E R
First of all, you are not doing anything wrong! We are all just doing the best we can, and there is no perfect script or perfect book that prepared us for these conversations. Most of our parents didn’t talk to us about this, and if they did, they probably didn’t give you a lot of information…and that’s because their parents didn’t give them a lot of information! It’s okay that we’re all still figuring this out together and navigating how to raise sexually healthy kids.
You’re probably doing some really amazing things already that you don’t even know about! Remember, raising sexually healthy kids is not just telling your kids what sex is. It’s about showing them healthy relationships, teaching them decision-making skills, helping them feel comfortable talking to you about things, and helping them know, understand, and appreciate their bodies. So every morning when you help your kids make a decision about what to wear to school, or every time you encourage them to make a good choice in their friendships, you are doing this good and hard work!
With that said, I do encourage you to start talking more about their bodies, so that future conversations are more comfortable. Your kids are still young, so there is no need to have an urgent conversation about this. Just start to casually and regularly use proper names and labels. The next time your son takes a shower, just yell in the bathroom to remember to wash under his arms and wash his penis. Or the next time your daughter is going to the bathroom, just remind her to wipe her vagina.
The more you can start to integrate these terms in your daily life, the more comfortable you will feel using them in more serious conversations – and the more comfortable your kids will be hearing them from you. Around third grade you should make sure they know more, such as the process of how a baby is made. By fourth grade, they should really know what will happen to both boy and girl bodies during puberty. Not only are they developmentally ready to hear and understand this stuff, but it’s about to become their reality. Their friends’ bodies will start changing, their bodies will start changing, and they will start learning some of this information in Health class. You want them to confidently know this information before they hear it from someone else.
But how do you do that?
No need to make a big deal about it, or do it urgently. Remember, the hope is that you will get to have many conversations with them about these topics. Here’s some starting points:
Give them some advanced warning that you want to talk about it with them.
Say “I love the way your brain works. You are so smart and I just love talking to you about things. I was just thinking about how there are some things you should probably know about your body and relationships that I’ve never told you. I’m guessing you might already know some of it, but I want to make sure we talk about it. So next week, let’s go grab a smoothie together and talk about this stuff.”
Remind them the day before that you want to go do that.
“Tomorrow let’s go grab that smoothie and talk about some of that stuff.” Then, have a really casual conversation with them. Catch them up to speed, tell them what you want them to know, answer their questions, remind them they can ask you questions anytime and you will always give them truthful and honest answers.
Thank them for spending time with you, and then be done.
Follow up a week later and tell them how great it was that you had the conversation. Tell them how much you loved talking with them, and you’re wondering if they had any follow-up questions. And when they tell you “no” (because they likely will) just remind them they can come to you anytime.
Let a few months go by and follow up again.
Take them out for another smoothie, and see what they say. Hopefully this will be the start of some really great, comfortable, conversations.
Final Thought
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I was recently on a podcast and one of the hosts shared that her husband started a tradition with their boys that Sunday nights were “Ask Dad Anything” nights. This was a formal and consistent opportunity for their boys to ask their dad anything. This concept is so great because it gave their kids advance notice that these conversations could happen, gave them a safe place to talk, and really encouraged the conversation between father and son that they might not have had otherwise as they got older. I love this idea!
It’s great to have an “Ask Mom Anything” or an “Ask Parents Anything” night… even just once a month. It takes the pressure off of super spontaneous conversations, and reassures everybody that there will be a chance to connect. And all we really want is to build that culture of conversation where we feel comfortable bringing these topics up and our kids feel comfortable listening and engaging in those conversations.
If you haven’t had these conversations yet, there’s still time. It's never too late to get started!