Happy New Year!
A guide to making good family communication goals
Most of us started this month listing out our goals and dreaming of making changes in this new year. And, most of us don’t make it long before reality gets in the way and those goals feel farther and farther from our reach. There’s a lot of reasons that happens, right?
One big reason is that they were goals we thought we “should” have, not goals we really had the desire to achieve. Another other big reason is that we fail to make an action plan for our goals. We only thought about our goals, and maybe shared them with others. Or perhaps the goals were too big, so action steps were hard to determine.
I want to talk about these reasons and hopefully encourage you to create some actionable goals about raising sexually health kids to your new year’s list this year.
About those "should" goals
Most of us make resolutions or goals about personal change, like losing weight or drinking less alcohol or saving money…and sure, all of those things might be good goals for you, but why did you make them? Because you think you should, because they are common goals, or because you have values about those aspects of life and you want to live out your values?
I talk all the time about how our kids are more likely to follow through with their decisions if it’s their decision, not ours. Saying no to drugs “because my mom said so” won’t last very long – kids need their own reason to say no, and if it’s related to one of their values, they’re much more likely to stand firm in their decision.
The same concept applies to us and our goals/resolutions. We’ll only stand firm and follow-through if it’s our own goal, and if it’s linked to our values. It’s important to think about what you value in life, and what you value about life. This puts the “why” behind your goals. Don’t just resolve to lose weight, focus on what you value about life and how perhaps eating cleaner or exercising more will help you. That becomes your real goal.
Thinking about your values will help you identify which goals really matter to you, and you might even realize that you have a different focus for your goals. Perhaps those personal goals of change aren’t as important to you as goals about your family culture, or family communication.
Have you ever thought about creating goals to create that culture of conversation we talk about so often? Ever made a resolution to answer your child’s questions more openly and honestly? Or how about a resolution to be more conscious about raising sexually healthy kids? It’s probably easy to see how these goals relate to your values, and your family values, right? Try adding in some of these relational and communication goals this year!
Be SMART with your goals
We need a plan to achieve our goals. Vague goals like “eat healthy” are hard to achieve – there’s no starting point and no way to know if and when you’ve achieved it! To help you achieve your goals, think about using the acronym SMART:
Specific: Create clear and specific goals, making sure you know what you want to accomplish, why it’s important, which resources or support you will need, who will be involved, and where the goal is located.
Measurable: How will you know if and when you have achieved your goal? Create standards so you know what it will look like to achieve your goal and when you’ll know it’s accomplished.
Achievable: Goals need to be realistic. Of course they should challenge you, but they need to be attainable. Make sure you know that your goal is achievable – if you’re not sure, set a smaller goal to achieve, then modify the goal and make it bigger later.
Relevant: This goes back to making sure your goal matters to you, that it’s important to you, and is value-driven. Make sure you truly believe your goal is worthwhile. Be clear in what values you have related to your goals. You should believe that you are the right person, and this is the right time for this goal.
Time-bound: Give yourself a target date, a deadline. Give yourself several deadlines! What can you do today? This week? This month?
Revisit your SMART goals every time you meet a deadline, or achieve a goal. Modify as needed. But don’t just let it go. We’re not perfect, and meeting our goals won’t be perfect. Give yourself some grace and remember to revise and modify as needed. There’s no shame in that game!
So what does this look like in action? How we do actually make a SMART goal? Instead of saying “This year, I’m going to eat healthier.” Try saying “I will eat one piece of fruit for breakfast three times a week and I will read the ingredients on every packaged food I purchase for one month.” Then, after that month, you might reassess your goals. Think about how you feel, what’s been hard, what’s been easy, what do you need to know to make more goals, etc. Modify your goals, and keep going!
But how about those other types of goals, like communication and relationship goals? How do you make those SMART goals?
Instead of saying “I want better communication with my kids this year” try saying “This month, I’m going to ask my kids one question every day about something they like to do.” OR “Two times a week I’m going to use the phrase ‘In our family….’ when explaining why we do things differently than other families.” OR “I am going to use the word 'penis' and 'vagina' when helping my kids bathe this month.”
Then, after that month, reassess your goals. Think about how you feel, how comfortable the goals have been so far, what’s been hard, what’s been easy, what you need to know to make more goals, etc. Modify your goals, and keep going! Maybe you keep up with those new habits, but challenge yourself to make additional goals about bravely answering your kids’ questions honestly, or bravely initiating conversations with them about love and intimacy.
This approach helps us focus on what we want, what it will take to get that, and create a plan with specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound goals. Yes, this takes time and effort, but putting in the work now will make our goals easier to achieve! And maybe, just maybe, by the time summer comes these goals will still be a part of our life! We won’t have forgotten them or ignored them, because the goal is YOURS and YOU created a plan to make it happen.
Final thought
It’s important to come up with family goals, too. Don’t forget to include your children in your discussion of your goals! Encourage them to think about their own communication goals, their relationship goals, and the action steps they can take to achieve them. And you don’t have to connect this to New Year’s – we can have discussions about goals and action plans all year long! The important thing is that we are remembering to consider our family communication in our goal-setting, and that we create action steps to follow-through with that change. Make this a year for your family to communicate your values, and to commit to them!